How to Prepare for Marriage

-Brittanie Leake

How can we, as single teen girls, prepare now for marriage?

I think the most important thing to do as a single girl is trust in the Lord with your future, whether you want to be married or not. Pretty early in college, I felt the pressure to figure out what I wanted to do with my degree and where to go after graduation. This led to some anxiety, because I knew that my greatest desire was to be a wife and mother, and I had about zero interest and direction in the way of jobs. Add to this the fact that I was single until my senior year of college, you can imagine that I really was concerned about what life was going to look like after I graduated! 

Psalm 37:4 was a key verse through all of college that remind me to be content in whatever life stage I was in, and to live in obedience to Christ: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” God knows our hearts far greater than we do, and He loves to give good gifts to His children! If we seek to please Him above all else, we can rest in the promise that He will grant our desires, according to His will. It won’t always work out the way you think, but it will be exactly what you need.

In the span of about two years, I went from being a single girl in my senior year of college, to being a married college graduate with a precious little baby! I never would have dreamed things would work out that quickly, but God knew what I would need, and at what times in my life.

The second most important thing is to take advantage of your single years to serve God in ways that you won’t be able to when you are married! I volunteered with an outreach organization all throughout college, I worked at Chick-fil-A, and I had roommates. Think about the things you are involved in and passionate about, and think about the people you are surrounded by everyday—where you live, where you work, where you go to school. Those are the places that God has you, for a time, and where you can be a witness for Him. They also offer great opportunities to grow in patience, love, and serving others—which are very important in marriage. Now that I am married, my ministry opportunities look a lot different – I no longer work, have roommates, or volunteer my time as much. Instead, my ministry focuses are around our home, our church, and our extended families; these are the ways that I can use my gifts and time best to serve God and others, as well as do ministry alongside my husband!

What is the best and most challenging thing about the first year?

Best thing: I think my husband and I would both agree that our favorite thing about this first year has been learning what ways we can better serve one another, and in what ways we are able to serve alongside one another. We made the decision before we got married that we would try to cut out extra commitments during the first year, so that we could make time to focus on our relationship and build a foundation as a family, before adding in outside commitments. That was such a good decision, because it really freed us up to figure out what was important to us both, along with what was good for us individually. By dropping some of the things that we did individually (for example, I quit working and my husband took a semester off from seminary classes), we were able to examine our life together and figure out what we could add back in. Because of this, we grew in our love and appreciation of one another, and expanded the ways we were involved with our church.

Most challenging thing: To not let my expectations of how things should be affect my appreciation of how things are. I feel like, especially as girls, we have this tendency to plan out perfect scenarios in our minds, and then get slightly disappointed when they don’t turn out that way. In relationships, this is especially apparent. My husband is very thoughtful, kind, and loving to me, so he made this one a lot easier, honestly, but I still found myself thinking things like “He should be leading us in Bible reading together more often,” or “I hope he buys me flowers this week,” or “I can’t wait for my husband to get home so he can help me fix this/paint that/do yard work/etc.”

You could insert any number of expectations, whether spiritual or romantic or practical, and then just sit back and watch them go unmet. This is because guys are humans too! They aren’t mind readers, they aren’t going to do everything perfectly the way you imagine. So early on in our marriage, I was challenged to let go of my high/impossible expectations for my husband and instead encourage him to live to please God, and trust that the Lord would take care of the rest.

What is your number one piece of advice for us?

My number one piece of advice for any woman, whether you are single, in a dating relationship, engaged, or even if you have been married for more than a year (!) would be this: Rejoice in the stage that you are in, and enjoy the people that are doing life alongside you! In the span of about two years, I went from being single, to dating for a few months, to being engaged and planning a wedding all summer, to getting married before my last semester of college, to becoming a mom. Looking back over this time, I can’t remember a single season that I just wished would end. Of course, I looked forward to the things that were to come, and still find myself getting excited as I think about the future of my growing family and the years I get to spend with my husband. But I enjoyed those seasons where God had me and the people that He placed in my life. And I am grateful for the time that I have right now, the season that I am in right now, and the ways that God has blessed me right now. This is because true joy, and the ability to truly love the people in your life, comes from the Lord. By knowing that I have a right relationship with God, that my sins have been forgiven in Christ’s redeeming work on the cross, and that I have the power of the Holy Spirit working in me, I am able to have eternal joy that surpasses any earthly hardships or sorrows. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4)

Anything else you would like to share?

A lot of people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. I’m not really sure what that is supposed to mean; I think we’ve have a pretty great year! Obviously, being married for a little over one year doesn’t make me an expert on marriage, but I do feel like I’ve learned and grown a lot over the past year, so I just want to give some encouragement about the first year of marriage, and marriage in general.

I think people say that the first year will be hard as a sort of encouragement (“The first year will be hard but it will get better”) or like it’s some sort of rite of passage/shared experience that you just have to have a tough first year, “like everyone else,” but it will be worth it. I don’t know if that mindset if particularly helpful though. Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation” (John 16:33); life in general is just hard, and marriage is no exception on that front. Marriage is a new experience, and it will be hard in the sense that all new things are hard, and will take a little work and getting used to. There are basically three ways that I have found to avoid the “first-year-is-the-hardest-year” disease, and I think they encompass just about everything a new marriage would encounter.

1.  Die to yourself.  

In marriage, you are learning to live with another person, who sees all of you, all the time. You see their shortcomings and their sinful tendencies, and at the same time you are exposing all your flaws and sins. This is hard, I think, if you aren’t prepared for it; as a Christian, we know that people are sinful by nature and that there are negative effects/consequences to our sins. Yet for some reason, we still expect our significant other to be perfect, and we tend to believe that we ourselves are perfect—or at least right most of the time. But in a marriage, every day is an opportunity to drop those expectations, trust in Christ’s perfection, and “die to yourself”—to lay down your own pride and desire to look good or be right, and to choose to humbly love and serve your husband.

2. Become a member at a church and attend consistently.  

Another thing that might make a new marriage hard is all the other new things that come along with it. A lot of people move right after marriage; they might be in a new town, starting a new job, attending a new church, living in a new house, making new friends, or any number of other new things. Thankfully, we were able to stay in our town and attend our same church after marriage, and I believe that helped us a lot in adjusting to married life.

I would encourage anyone who is about to get married—or move to a new place for any reason—to get involved in a church! Don’t just “go to church” on Sundays, but really get to know the people there, find ways to serve, go to Bible studies or other services the church offers. Having the consistency of godly fellowship and the influence of God’s Word will be a great comfort when it feels like everything else is changing.

3. Remember to have fun!  

I think the third way to “avoid” having a tough first year is to have fun! Marriage is a serious commitment and life decision, but you are making that commitment to the person you love the most! Your husband should be your best friend, the person that you enjoy being with the most, the person that you love to do nice things for, the person that is easiest to forgive, the person that makes you feel safe and loved, and the person that you have the most fun with!

This doesn’t mean that you have an extravagant date every week (or even every month). Rather, this means that daily, normal life is just fun! Whether you are staying in and watching a movie, going on a picnic, doing work around the house, going to church, or running errands, enjoy the fact that you are getting to do those things with your husband! Of course, there will be serious discussions, conflicts, and hard days, but I believe they pale in comparison to the gift of marriage and the enjoyment that the relationship brings. Praise God together in the good times, and praise God for giving you a husband to go through the bad times with. Having this perspective has helped me greatly to be continually thankful for my husband.

There is no reason that the first year has to be hard. By God’s grace, you and your (future) husband will figure out life together, and by His grace every year of marriage will be a joyful gift!

Brittanie is a college graduate, new wife, and new mother! She enjoys spending time with family, serving her church, and encouraging her friends.

If you are married and have anything else you would like to add as encouragement for young women who are thinking about marriage, leave a comment below!

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What I Learned My First Year of Marriage

-By Brittanie Leake

When Anna asked to interview me about my first year or marriage, I was so thrilled! I’ve been married for a bit over a year, and marriage is just about my favorite thing ever—I get so excited when my friends get married, and I just want everyone to get married and experience how great it is! 

 However, if you are a human then you have seen many marriages fail, many marriages that are not very great. The sad truth is that even among Christians, divorce is a very real problem. I have confidence in my marriage, that it will last, and that my husband and I will truly love one another for all of our days. Yet this confidence does not come from myself or anything that I can do, or that my husband can do. This confidence is solely based in Christ, as we live out the Gospel truth that we are sinners in need of a loving and gracious Savior.

This is exactly how—and the only way—that a marriage will work, and will be full of love and joy: by God’s grace, by drawing from the deep love of Christ, and by asking for forgiveness over and over and over again.

At our wedding, my close friend read 1 John 4:7-21, which I think is the theme of not only a godly marriage, but of the whole Christian life: the power to love God and love others comes from God first loving us. This has been such a great and humbling truth in my marriage, and I have been drawn back to God’s love over and over repeatedly as I sought (and still seek) to love my husband well. I hope this interview will serve as encouragement for every woman, whether you are married or plan to never get married or fall somewhere in between.

¹⁶ So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. ¹⁷ By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. ¹⁹ We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:16-19)

What were two things that you learned in your first year of marriage?

The first would be how much my sin and pride affects my marriage; I wanted to do things “my way,” when it really didn’t matter. The desire to be right is engrained in all of us, and marriage exposed that, especially in petty little things.

James 4:1 says, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” I learned early on that it doesn’t matter if my husband loads the dishwasher the “wrong way,” or if we do laundry differently. Rather than correct him or get upset about it, I could choose to be thankful that he was helping me! I could have saved many unnecessary little conflicts by learning this and addressing my sin sooner.

Another thing that I learned/am still learning is how to communicate; everyone always says that communication is so important, and everyone else is so quick to agree. Honestly, I didn’t really understand what that meant until I was married, and I didn’t realize how bad I could be at it. This year has been a great learning experience for me in a couple of ways.

1. Because I am more introverted by nature, I didn’t consider how much of marriage consists of talking—about EVERYTHING! At first, I thought it would be so hard to live with the same person and know what to say to him all. the. time. But the fun thing is, I love talking to my husband more than anyone else, and I feel like we never run out of things to say!

2. Before marriage, I was never really good at conflict management or confrontation—my go-to response was to shut down and mull over things internally. This doesn’t work as well when you literally share a room with the person that you have conflict with, because there is no escape! Having time apart to think does help, but eventually we would have to address the conflict at hand—sometimes this even meant “going to bed angry” and re-approaching the subject after we were both well rested and removed from the emotional aspect of the conflict. 

The first few months were the hardest, as I was figuring out how to communicate my thoughts and feelings more effectively with my husband, but his kindness and patience toward me made it so much easier, along with the fact that no matter how bad things could get, I could trust in his faithful love towards me.

What is something that you wish you had known/prepared for beforehand?

Because we had great premarital counseling and attend a church with many examples of couples and families who desire to please God, I feel like we learned a lot before we were actually married, which is a great blessing!

The one thing that I have found myself wishing I had prepped better beforehand, though, is learning time management when it comes to daily tasks. Taking care of a home is a lot more work than I would have thought! To go from living at home with my parents, to having a few roommates in my college house, to owning a home and being responsible to keep it in order is a big jump! I feel like I wasted a lot of time during the days by not being more structured or intentional with my time. 

Thankfully, I have somehow still been able to accomplish the things I need to, and I am getting better at being more organized with my time! (Surprisingly, now that we have a new baby, it actually makes scheduling my daily tasks and chores a lot easier—I am basically forced to do all that I need to during nap times 😊).

Brittanie is a college graduate, new wife, and new mother! She enjoys spending time with family, serving her church, and encouraging her friends.

Come back next week for Part 2! 

For those of you who are single, what has been most helpful to you in framing your perspective on marriage? For those of you who are married, what did you learn your first year?

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Love Me Like Jesus

By Kortney Amy

“’A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.’”  ~John 13:34 (ESV)

Before my now-husband and I got married, we went to pre-marital counseling with the pastor of our church. We had many sessions with him that all helped us greatly in our relationship with each other and with God. One session in particular however stands out in my mind. The pastor gave us homework. He challenged us to each separately write down our top five needs from each other in marriage and then to work on fulfilling those needs. We came back a week later, and I will never forget what my then-fiancé wrote as his greatest need.

Love me like Jesus.

Wow. Talk about humbling. Here I thought I was loving him and showing my love for him the best I could. Still he asks me to love him not as I, Kortney, loves, but as Jesus, God Almighty loves. Thus began my journey towards greater understanding of what it means to love like Jesus.

Loving like Jesus means I must sacrifice my own comfort.

When Christ was born as a babe He left behind the glory of heaven to live among humans as a human. When was the last time you stopped to think about what that means? He left streets of gold for streets of dirt. He left the place of no pain or tears or death for a place where we cannot go a single day without coming face to face with pain and tears and death. He left the praise of heaven for the scorn of earth. He chose this life, this world. More than that, He chose to be the ultimate servant in this world. In the world He created, and in which He deserved all praise and glory, He knelt before man and preformed the lowliest duty of them all. He washed man’s feet.

“If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet.” ~John 13:14 (ESV)

If the LORD of lords and King of kings can humble Himself in such a way, then what gives me any right to do less? Instead of looking for ways I can increase myself, I need to be pursuing ways to increase my husband, my parents, my brother, my friends, my coworkers, anyone I may come into contact with. They don’t even have to be big things. My husband has this habit of asking me to grab him a glass of water just as soon as I have gotten comfortable on the couch and have curled up in a blanket. We are on the same couch, the same distance from the kitchen. He just as easily could get up, go into the kitchen, and pour himself a glass of water. Besides, the water is for him, not me, so why should I be the one to get up? Well, why not? What does it hurt me to get up and get my husband a glass of water? Do I seriously value the comfort of my blanket over the comfort I could bring to another living, breathing human being? So get that glass of water, clear the plates from the dinner table, make those cookies, run that errand with your mom. Be more concerned with the comfort of others than the comfort of yourself.

Loving like Jesus means I must surrender my need to play the martyr.

As Christians we are called to forgive others and extend grace to those who do not deserve it. This is the foundation of our faith. So often though, we do not grasp what forgiveness means, what forgiveness looks like. I always thought I was the best at forgiving. I would never hold grudges. I never brought things up from the past. In fact, there were few hurts that I legitimately remembered. Until a time when my heart was hurt by someone I loved, and suddenly I found myself unable to let it go. I struggled for months, and I had no idea what to do. I loved this person, and yet, I couldn’t forget what had happened.

God brought to my mind the story of Jesus with the Samaritan woman (John 4:4-42) and the story of Jesus with the adulteress woman (John 8:1-11). In both stories Jesus is faced with a woman who has not left a past of sin but is continually sinning. Yet, look at how He talks to them. He does not cry out or accuse or succumb to hysterics. He speaks calmly. He also doesn’t accept the sin. He tells the Samaritan woman straight out that she is living a life of sin and that it is wrong. He doesn’t mince words. When the Pharisees are condemning the adulteress woman, Jesus does not deny that she has sinned. Instead He brings everyone down to the same level.

‘“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”’ ~John 8:7 (ESV)

We all have sinned. How then can we condemn anyone else? I have been hurt, but I have also hurt others. Haven’t we all been there? Haven’t we felt the guilt? Felt the desperation to be forgiven? Felt the shame? We have all fallen. What gives us any right to condemn someone God Himself chooses to forgive?

Jesus died because of our sin, yet He never held it over our heads. We get hurt, and we play the martyr. Jesus got hurt in every way even unto death. If you are reading this, then the world has not killed you. Stop acting as if it has. You are one hurting person in this world of hurting people. Forgiveness is the only way out of the hurt on this earth.

Love me like Jesus.

We have officially entered the Christmas season. It’s amazing how fast time flies! Many people will be hurting this Christmas. Whether it is missing loved ones gone before or being alone or losing out on moments because of unforgiveness. Thus is the broken world in which we live. Let us, however, do our part in loving as our Savior does. Let this be the Christmas that we share God’s love through serving all those around us and forgiving those who have wounded us. Let us love like Jesus.

Kortney Amy is an x-ray tech and a newlywed who likes to write basically anything on the side. She has dabbled in poetry, devotionals, and short stories, and has dreams of eventually writing a book in the very distant future. In her free time she loves to curl up on the couch with tea and a good book next to her husband. She prays that God will be glorified in everything she writes and that maybe He will use her work to touch one more person.

What is one way that you can strive to love others like Jesus this Christmas season? Share in the comments!

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