6 Misconceptions About Having a Boyfriend

-By Maddie

          I rushed around, running back and forth between my room and Mom’s. “Can I borrow a necklace? Which one?? I’m not sure!” And then running into the laundry room, “MOM MY PANTS STILL AREN’T DRY!! He’s going to be here in fifteen minutes!!!”

          Since my room faced the front driveway, I had to be careful he didn’t drive up while I had my hair in a towel or something.

          It was the morning of my first date.

          As Mom was helping me be presentable, I told her, “Last night, I had a dream that my makeup was NOT WORKING. Well, first I dreamed I slept way in and only had five minutes to get ready. And then I kept smearing my mascara and I had no time and I was missing the rest of my makeup and it was a BIG DISASTER.”

          Despite a bit of a frazzled morning until he showed up at 7am to take me to breakfast, we are still together over a year later.

          There’s a lot that I’ve learned over that year. One of them is how much I have yet to learn! But, coming from the mouth of someone who’s had a boyfriend for over a year, I can tell you about 6 misconceptions about having a boyfriend.

1. You will be happier

          In some ways, this is true. Overall, it’s not. Those few months after I started dating were some of the most exciting, emotional, and honestly discontent months of my life. Not discontent with my boyfriend—no, he was great. Discontent with life. Why? Because I had been expecting him to make me so much happier. But a boyfriend doesn’t MAKE you happy.

          I had to come to the conclusion that God can be my only source of true joy and lasting happiness. That overflowed into my relationship, making it very joyous and satisfying. But that joy came from the joy I found in Christ alone.

          There are butterflies and excitement, but it is so temporary. It is only joy in Christ that is the sweetest and it will never end.

2. Your problem with insecurity will go away

          Those few months after I started dating also happened to be the most insecure months of my life. When I tell people that, they are so confused. “Why on earth???!” They ask. Let me explain.

          For the first time in my life, I had a guy. And I desperately did not want to lose him. I decided the prettier I was, the more likely he was to stay.

          That was completely contrary to this sweet guy who told me he wasn’t dating me for my looks, but my personality and relationship with Christ. He said my beauty came from those things.

          It revealed a pride and a selfishness in my heart that I did not know was there. A boyfriend doesn’t make your insecurity go away. It can only go away in Christ. Once I realized that, I found so much peace on the issue. I also got to know my boyfriend better and realized just how blessed I was—and I didn’t need to worry about losing him to prettier girls.

          But ultimately, peace about my looks came from Christ. It can only come from Christ because He created me. I can trust Him that He gave me my looks for a reason.

3. Your walk with Christ will be richer

          It was actually really hard to focus on God when I was so enraptured with this guy. Adding a third person won’t make your walk with Jesus fuller. Jesus is more than enough. If you feel like you need a guy in order to get closer to God, then you do not know Him.

4. You will never feel lonely

          Nope. You may be in a relationship with someone but you can still be very far away from them. This happened to me when we had misunderstandings or I had ridiculous expectations.

          Companionship is a wonderful thing, but sin always drives a wedge. My sin has driven a wedge between us so many times. That’s when the loneliness seeps in. When sin takes over.

5. It’s all about having fun

          Dating is great. I’ve enjoyed it a lot. But the joy of dating doesn’t come from having a super-hot boyfriend. It comes from taking time to work through problems. It comes from choosing to respond like Jesus would even when you just want to pout and throw a pity-party.

          Dating isn’t about fun. It’s about getting a lot of the dirty work out of the way before marriage. Like talking through hard issues and making sure you align enough on the big things to get married.

6. It’s easy

          Just like it’s not about having fun and games, it’s not easy. You will find you struggle with sin that you didn’t realize you did.

          Sin will make you isolate yourself. Instead of working through problems, it will make you run. That is just more sin. Dating is not easy, but it is so rewarding.

          The more effort you put into a solid relationship, the more you will reap the benefits.

           But the only way to truly enjoy and be satisfied in a relationship is to first find your joy and satisfaction and contentment in the person and saving work of Jesus Christ.

What misconceptions have YOU had about dating? Which of these was the most surprising? For those of you who are dating, what did you do for your first date? :) Comment below! And also take a moment to read this post: 6 Misconceptions About Purity.

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Can I Have a Guy Best Friend? | The Pros and Cons

         A few years ago, my response to this question would have been an emphatic, “NO!” But now I realize that was a hasty response for me. There are a lot of factors in this discussion—and I think it’s a discussion worth having.

          Should you have a guy best friend? Is that okay?

          I’m not going to tell you one way or the other. That is for you and your family to decide. These pros and cons are here for you to think about it and discuss it with your family.

          What are the pros and cons of a guy best friend?

Pros

          -You get to see life from a different perspective. I’ve learned so much about God from the different perspectives of the guys around me.

          -It’s FAR less complicated typically(unless you make it complicated). If you take what they say at face value, you will be surprised at how refreshing and comparatively “simple” your friendship can be.

          -You get to let off on the comparison and competition. You don’t have to worry about that with guys.

          -If you’re good friends with a godly guy you can trust, you can feel safe and secure that he will come to your aid if you’re ever in a dangerous situation.

          -You learn how to get to know a guy in preparation for marriage. Maybe your “friendship” with a guy is more like a friendship on steroids or “friend-lationship.” You could be getting to know the guy to see if he might be “the one.” But if he’s not, you’ve had experience becoming good friends with a guy.

Cons

          -If you get too close, you could get hurt easily if you had feelings for him, or even if you didn’t and he got a girlfriend.

          -It can be dangerous to get close to guys you have no intention of dating. You may lead them on and hurt them, or you may be setting yourself up for unfaithfulness if you maintain this friendship into your marriage to someone else. This may not be a concern in some circumstances, but the regular practice of it throughout your life definitely is a concern.

          -You may use him as a security blanket instead of God.

          -It gets hard to guard your heart.

          -You may be encouraging yourself to be boy-crazy.

          -You may neglect your friendship with other girls.

          -You may be dragged into a private friendship via texting or email that could be dangerous.

          -It might not look above reproach.

          Having a guy best friend may be fine. However, there are many, many cautions I have and I would urge you to consider it carefully. I would not encourage close friendships with guys until you’re in the dating age-range, and I would definitely counsel you to talk it over with your family.

          There are definitely exceptions to all of this, but these are some general guidelines and principles to think about when making this decision for yourself.

What are your thoughts on this issue? For you, do you think it’s okay to have a close guy friend? If you could add another pro or con, what would you add? Share in the comments!

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5 Benefits of Not Flirting

“I can’t stand to be around her,” My sister told me.

“Why?” I asked.

She clenched her hands, “Because she’s so…so… FLIRTY! It’s awkward every time a guy is there! It’s disgusting! I just don’t want to be around her.”

Have you ever felt this way?

When I was around eleven, I decided I would not flirt with anyone I wasn’t in a relationship with. If you want to know my reasons, see my recent Part 1 and Part 2 on why I decided not to flirt.

That’s what I did—I didn’t flirt. 

Have I regretted this choice? Absolutely not! Here are the ways that I benefited from that decision and why I recommend you make the same commitment. 
1. People treat me with respect and take me seriously.

2. I don’t view the guys around me as objects to be played with.

I see that they’re people with feelings, weaknesses, strengths, desires, etc. They don’t want their heart broken any more than I do.

When I stopped viewing guys as potential husbands, I started seeing them as real people whose sole purpose is not to make me happy but to glorify God.

3. I have deeper, closer relationships with the girls around me than I ever would have had I been a flirt.

When you flirt with guys, you make the girls around you competition. They won’t like it and you won’t be able to have a strong relationship with them. Especially if you’re flirting with her crush!

4. I know now that God created me to be satisfied in Him and He is the only One who can satisfy me.

Flirting is a tool to get us what we girls desire most right now—attention, affirmation, and affection. When we use flirting to get these things from guys, we are ignoring the One who promises to fulfill us. We also are chasing after a cheap cop-out of what God designed for us—true, lasting fulfillment in Christ. If we teach ourselves now to be satisfied in a guy, we will take that attitude with us into a relationship and into marriage. 
*Spoiler Alert!* Guys can’t satisfy you.

  5. My friendships with the guys around me are deeper and truer than if I’d been a flirt.

The flirty guys run off to find the flirty girls, and so I’ve been extremely blessed by the godly guys who hang around me instead of the flirty girls. Let me tell you: an honest friendship with a godly guy is something very valuable and definitely not something to be taken lightly.

6. Morning Glory. I can almost guarantee that I would never have started Morning Glory if I had been consumed with getting guy attention.

Why did I even start Morning Glory in the first place? Because I had grown so much in the years where I did not have guy attention. No attention forced me to go to God for my needs. As a result, I learned so much about Him and about life.

Ladies, God is far more satisfying than a few seconds of a cute guy’s attention.

I hope you will consider these things as you go throughout your teen years. What is the most important thing to you right now: honoring God or getting attention?

What are your thoughts on this issue? Do you agree or disagree? If you have decided not to flirt and have seen benefits, what have those benefits been? Share in the comments!

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5 Ways to Dishonor God in Your Journal

           I opened up my first journal that I received when I was nine years old. Here’s a super embarrassing excerpt from when I was eleven. For ease of reading, I left out the spelling errors.

          I have just realized how mature I am. Give or take, I still like to play pranks on my sister Liza. And I still like fairies. But I know so much. Mom trusts me and tells me she doesn’t have to worry about me spilling beans about stuff. I’m really interested in politics. I listen to conversations about Dad’s company. I feel like I’m not a little child anymore. Some people, like my babysitter, think that I’m a little child—not knowing right from wrong. She punished me because I tried to tell her that my brothers aren’t allowed in my room! She said that I talked back, which I did. But that was because she wouldn’t listen! I wish people would stop treating me like a little ignorant child!

           

          The next entry was me venting because one of my siblings had “mistreated” me. A few entries later I was yet again complaining about someone else. I ended that entry by praying, “Dear God, please change this person’s heart.”

          I seriously should probably burn some of these journals. Or at least go through with a thick sharpie! Over the years, I’ve learned more about journaling and more about honoring God in my journal.

          Just because it’s private does not mean that it’s an excuse to sin.

          So how do we dishonor God in our journals? Here are five ways that you can sin while journaling.

1. Complaining

          This is probably one of the biggest sins in my journal. I complained about people, I complained about school, I complained about EVERYTHING. It’s easy, when we’re mad, to just rush to our journal and pour out our frustration. While sometimes this can be helpful in getting rid of a spirit of bitterness and anger, it may more often be a way to savor the anger longer. 

2. Using it to keep a record of wrongs

          I would harbor bitterness in my heart against my siblings, my parents, and other people in my life who made me angry. My journal became a storehouse of offenses instead of a fountain of joy from a prayerful walk with Christ. Writing things down is a GREAT way to keep records of wrongs, which the Bible says is not love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). And 1 John 4:20 says that we cannot hate our brother and love God.

 

3. Talking about how great you are

          I don’t know if you have ever done this, but I think the clip above from my journal is enough to tell you that yes, I journaled about how great I was. Which is super embarrassing and now quite humbling. I was a very arrogant kid. Pride is the root of all sin and it is something we will always be fighting. I had more than my fair dose of arrogance, however.

          Maybe it goes without saying, but it didn’t for me. Talking about how great you are doesn’t honor God. Even if no one else reads it, it is self-glorification when we should be only glorifying our Savior.

4. Being boy-crazy

          My journal was more like a soap opera drama than anything else. You can totally process your feelings and think through potential boys. But if that’s all that you’re journaling about, you’re teaching yourself to be boy-crazy. It’s a hard line to walk, but God is not honored when we make our journals places that we idolize the cutest guy in our circle of friends. 

5. Dwelling on sinful thoughts

          Journaling can be a great way to process life and sort through emotions. I love journaling now, because it often leads into prayer and such peace. But when I was younger, I often used it as a means to dwell on sinful and arrogant thoughts instead of surrendering those to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:31). These can include bitterness, anger, lust, envy, or idolatrous thoughts.

          A journal is a personal place to process life and commune with our heavenly Father. Just as the private place of your mind is under scrutiny by God, so is the private place of your journal. A journal is a wonderful thing. For those of us who need writing to survive like I do, journaling has been a serious blessing from heaven. It’s the most effective way in my life to surrender my worries to God.

          I regret the years that I dishonored God in my journaling and I encourage you to learn to avoid these pitfalls.

          For more thoughts on journaling, check out this Girl Defined article, Don’t Let Your Journal Turn Into a Soap Opera Drama.

Do you journal? What have been the number one BEST and WORST things about journaling? Share in the comments!

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5 Reasons I Don't Flirt: Part 2

              Last week we talked about the first two reasons why I don't flirt. Here are the last three!

3. I build a wall between me and the girls around me.

Even though people may say it doesn’t make a difference among girls if you’re flirty, it totally does.  

I was recently talking to one of my friends about flirting and I said that I didn’t think that flirty girls gained as much respect as a non-flirty girl. Her response was, “I agree. Completely. A non-flirty girl definitely gains more respect (and probably attracts a better crowd of guys) than one that chases guys.”

When you’re always flirting, other girls see you as a hindrance to their friendship with guys. Girls don’t trust you.

4. I train myself to find my value in guys.

You’re always trying to figure out who likes you, counting up the number, and deciding if you’re pretty based on that. You compare how many guys like you to how many guys like that other girl. Are you seeing the consequences of this? We’re back to viewing other girls as competition, becoming dissatisfied with how we were created, and we’re not finding our worth in the right place.

Our value as girls and as human beings doesn’t come from other people and it doesn’t come from ourselves. Our value comes from Christ because He placed an eternal worth on each of us when He died on the cross. We should not find our worth in guys.

5. I look for guys to fulfill my needs instead of God.

Again, it’s that desperate searching for fulfillment in something other than God, and it will leave you empty.

God created us to be fully satisfied in Him. We cannot find our fulfillment in anything else but Him. What’s more, we will not be as satisfied with a guy if we shove God aside as if we keep God first place in our lives and He gives us a guy.

Remember: Guys can’t satisfy you. Only God can.

Yes, not flirting is hard. Was I perfect? Absolutely not! Because of my decision to not flirt, I would often swing to the other side of the spectrum and completely ignore guys which also is not loving them as brothers-in-Christ. And yes, I struggled with this decision many times. But now, I’m reaping the benefits of that decision—which will be discussed in an upcoming blog post!

If you could go back and change something about how you lived your life ages 11-13, what would you change? For those in that stage of life, what commitments do you want to make? Share in the comments!

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