10 Tips for Beating a Crush: Tip 7

7. Don’t Keep Initiating Things

We ladies should not be the one starting the relationship. Especially when we’re young and not ready for commitment, we need to chill and let the guy decide the pace—if the guy is interested. Either way, you need to get up and go do something with your single years instead of chasing after a guy.

If you are trying to get rid of your crush, you’re just going to take ten steps backward if you try to initiate or deepen a relationship or “friendship.” And if he tries to initiate something with you, you have to be willing to say no. An unhealthy relationship will hurt you so much.

If you’re trying to manage your crush, pursuing a guy above our pursuit of Christ is not helpful, neither is it right.

Another thing to keep in mind along this vein is to remember to not be too available. We’re not desperate starving puppies and we don’t need to act like it. You’re not going to get more guys by being more available. You may get more flirty attention, but it is often not from the guys that you want to marry.

Sisters, there was a time when the ladies were to be won. They were dignified, respected, and honored. Our culture is trying to tear this down and replace it with this idea that women are objects to be toyed with. We’re being taught that our value is in the external, not in our character, femininity, and relationship with Jesus. And we’re buying into this lie when we chase after guys.

When a godly young man starts pursuing you in a God-honoring way—being the initiator—and you are both old enough for commitment, it could be a sign that God is saying, “Now is the time.” But right now, God may be teaching you patience.

Waiting is hard, but in the long run, it will be so much more worth it than to desperately run after guys and be left empty. When we let them pursue us, quite a few of the not-so-awesome guys won’t bother you. If you send the message, “I’m not to be toyed with,” then the guys who only want to play with you will often leave you alone. 

If you’re trying to eradicate your crush, it’s going to hurt you a lot if you initiate things. I do think that there are some times when it’s fine if you’re trying to manage your crush, but I want to encourage you to be careful. Visit Phylicia's blog for more about pursuing a relationship intentionally. She has many resources on this topic, including a new book on singleness.

One thing that I want to clarify is that I don’t want to discourage you from texting a guy the day of his exam, job interview, etc, to tell him you’re praying for him or something like that. You need to evaluate your motives when you initiate something and discern whether you are just vying for attention or being a sister in Christ.

A note about guys: They need respect. They want to be the leaders and they want to be the ones initiating things. We let them become men when we let them initiate things with us. A girl who won’t let the guy lead can be intimidating and unnerving. By initiating things, we as girls tell guys that we don’t trust their guidance. Remember, guys want to be respected. We respect them by letting them lead.

Clarie has more to share on the different ways to initiate things.

Personally I am a little bit shy when it comes to guys, so when I though about initiating feeling when it comes to guys, I really didn’t think I had much of an issue. But then I realized that initiating feeling is a lot more than going up to a guy and going all middle school by saying that you like him. First and foremost, I struggle with mentally initiating relationships with guys. We will be talking for five minutes, and all of a sudden I have us married with children. This causes my actions, whether they be texting the said guy, or just making eye contact from across the room, then tend to be a byproduct of this thought process.

One thing that really helps is by focusing on why we do and say what we do. It often takes a very conscious thought that I am doing this in order to represent Christ well to keep me from mentally initiating a relationship. While it sometimes frustrates my close friends, I also try not to verbally talk about having a crush on someone, because it almost solidifies the fact, and serves to make the distraction a sure thing. Also, if my friends joke about me talking with the dude in question, I’m much more likely to get distracted from trying to have the right motives in the friendship.

Trying not to initiate a relationship, especially mentally and emotionally, can be a really difficult thing. When we simply try to remove our feelings, it’s so difficult! But if we can strive with the help of the Lord to change our motives to lifting up the Father, He supplies the strength to fulfill all our needs.

We need to wait patiently for God to bring the right guy into our lives at the right time. Waiting is hard, trust me—I know! Waiting temps us to look at the guys around us and ask the question, “Is it him?”

Whenever I’d get tired of waiting, I’d find myself praying to God, “Please just show me who it is, and then I can wait patiently for whenever the relationship will start.”

That’s not the right attitude. The right attitude is, “God, I don’t know the who, what, when, where, why, or how of my future relationship. But I know that I can trust You. Please always be my true satisfaction and fulfillment. Help me understand that You are all I need. Please be my all so that when it is time for a relationship, I will not look to him to satisfy me. Instead, help me view him as a fellow heir in the grace of life with whom I can grow closer to You.”

Practical Tips:

-Look at your life and see if you are initiating things. Are you the one pursuing the guy?

-Make a list of all the ways you’re being the initiator. It could be that you daydream about him, text him first, always finding ways to “accidentally” be seated next to him, etc.

-Find out what ways you’re stepping out of your boundaries. Ask yourself, “Am I hurting myself by doing this? Am I hurting him by doing this? Are my motives friendly or am I doing this for more attention? Is this something I should be doing?”

-Formulate boundaries for yourself. It could be, “I’m not going to email him again until he responds.” Or it could be, “I’m not going to ask to meet him anywhere. He can ask me.” If you find yourself tempted to text too much, you may even set up a checklist of things to do before texting (like make your bed).

-Commit to obeying the boundaries. Even if it’s not fun, stick to your decisions.

“I waited patiently for the Lord;

and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry.”

Psalms 40:1

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,

To the person who seeks Him.

It is good that he waits silently

For the salvation of the Lord.”

Lamentations 3:25-26

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

for my hope is from Him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory;

my mighty rock, my refuge is God.”

Psalms 62:5-7

Do you think you’ve been initiating too much? What are some common ways we try to initiate things? What do you plan on doing differently now? Any stories or thoughts? Share in the comments!